Title: Dumbest Baby
Panel 1: A woman (Joyce) blissfully hugs a dog (Loretta). Joyce says "My beautiful idiot."
Panel 2: Joyce, who is pregnant, scratches Loretta's ears, Loretta pants and wags her tail. Joyce says "My dumbest baby."
Panel 3: A man (Kevin) leans over the back of the couch. Joyce continues to pet Loretta. Kevin says "You know...soon she WON'T be your dumbest baby." Joyce says "Wow, you're right. For awhile she'll be our SMARTEST baby."
Panel 4: Joyce eyes Loretta nervously, Loretta gazes at Joyce adoringly. Joyce says "Yikes."
Panel 5: Loretta licks her butthole. Joyce (off-panel) says "But you'll always be our GROSSEST baby." Kevin (off-panel) says "HOPEFULLY."
Title: Baby's First Billing
Panel 1: Joyce answers a phone call. Joyce says "Hello?" The caller says "Hello. May I speak to Ursula Moore?"
Panel 2: Joyce walks towards a doorway to exit the room. Joyce says “No.” Kevin feeds a baby (Ursula) a bottle.
Panel 3: Indistinct chatter from the doorway. Ursula reaches for Kevin as he feeds her, Kevin smiles tearfully.
Panel 4: From the doorway, Joyce holds up the phone and says “That was the hospital.”
Panel 5: Joyce walks back into the room and says “They are desperate to know when I will add Ursa to my health insurance so they can bill her for being born.”
Panel 6: Joyce, annoyed, returns to her chair. Kevin, annoyed, continues to bottle feed the baby. Kevin says “I love America.”
Title: Shhhhhhhhh
Panel 1: Through ferns and a window, Joyce holds Ursula. Ursula wails “Wah wah wah.”
Panel 2: Joyce rocks Ursula back and forth. Joyce says “Shh shh shh.” Ursula says “Wah wa…”
Panel 3: Joyce transfers sleeping Ursula to her bassinet. Kevin stands ready with a pacifier. Joyce and Kevin say “Shh shhhhhh.”
Panel 4: Joyce and Kevin climb into bed with Loretta saying “Shhhh shhhhhh shhhhh”
Panel 5: Joyce turns out the light. Joyce and Kevin say “Shhh shhhhh.” Loretta eyes Joyce and Kevin, perturbed.
Panel 6: Through ferns and a window Loretta lays at the foot of the bed, annoyed. Loretta thinks “What is wrong with you guys lately.”
Full page of music notes and poses of Joyce dancing with Ursula Joyce sings:
Oh she’s a baby
Whoa whoa whoa
She’s a baby
Whoa whoa whoa
Yeah she’s a baby
And baby she’s mine
Title: Mean Ol Titty
Panel1: Kevin hands Ursula to Joyce, who is sitting on the couch in a bra. Joyce says “Hey it’s time to eat, Ursula.”
Panel 2: Ursula eyes a breast suspiciously. Off-panel, Joyce says “How about taking a shot at the tit, champ?” Ursula says “Ehhhh...”
Panel 3: Ursula beats the breast and wails “Wah wah wah wah wah!”
Panel 4: Joyce cuddles Ursula and says “Okay…that’s okay…” Ursula cries “Wah wah wa.” Off-panel Kevin asks “Want me to fix a bottle?” Joyce says “Yes please.”
Panel 5: Joyce strokes Ursula’s hair and says “Shhh…shhhhh…” Ursula says “Wa wa.”
Panel 6: Joyce continues to stroke Ursula’s hair and says “Did that mean ol titty try to feed you.” Ursula replies “Eh.”
Title: Slow Time
Panel 1: Joyce, Kevin, and Loretta sleep in their bed. Ursula sleeps in her bassinet. The sunrise comes in through a window. Text across the panel reads “This is a”
Panel 2: A table with newspapers, notepads, pens, and books; two cups of coffee and a baby bottle. Text across the panel reads “slow time, and”
Panel 3: Kevin reads in a chair. Joyce cuddles Ursula on the couch, feet on the coffee table. Loretta sleeps next to Joyce and Ursula. Text across the panel reads “that is okay.”
Title: Only a Mother
Panel 1: Narrative box reads “Pediatrician’s office.” Three people coo “Awwww” at Ursula. In the foreground, the reader sees one back of Ursula’s head.
Panel 2: Doctor says “So cute.” Resident says “The cutest baby I’ve seen in, like, awhile.” Med student nods agreement.
Panel 3: Narrative box reads “Later.” At home, Joyce holds Ursula out in front of her, Ursula’s back to the reader. Kevin folds laundry. Joyce says “Do you think Ursula is REALLY the cutest baby, or do the peds say that to everyone?” Kevin says “Joyce…”
Panel 4: Off-panel, Kevin says “Ursa is a scaly fuckin gremlin right now.” Ursula smiles, covered in a hideous rash. Kevin continues “What kind of babies do you think they SEE?”
Panel 5: Ursula reaches for Joyce, who gazes adoringly at her. Ursula says “Eh.”
Panel 6: Joyce says “I still think you’re the cutest,” and hugs Ursula happily, “rash or no rash.”
OPERATION!
Ursula lies in her bassinet asleep, her pacifier on the mattress next to her head. Joyce nervously considers her.
Speech balloons from off-panel read:
“Remove the pacifier without waking the baby!”
“DON’T touch the sides!”
“Get it BEFORE she turns her head and gets poked in the face!”
“If you fail, soothe 20+ minutes of crying and try again!”
Title: Lonely
Panel 1: Narrative box reads “I read stories from some women saying felt lonely after their babies were born.” Joyce reads on the couch, Loretta curled up next to her. Off-panel Ursula cries “Wahh.”
Panel 2: Narrative box reads “I did not feel lonely, maybe because I like to be alone? I am, at least, accustomed to it.” Joyce enters a room, Ursula lays swaddled in her bassinet wailing “Wah wah wah.”
Panel 3: Narrative box reads “But I have thought a lot about how Ursula must feel. Until her birth six weeks ago she had NEVER been alone—inconceivable!” Hands reach into crying Ursula’s bassinet.
Panel 4: Joyce cuddles Ursula saying “Oh Ursa. It’s okay. I’m still here. You’re not alone.” Calming, Ursula says “Wa.”
Title: Ode to Chair
Panel 1: From the shoulders up, Joyce rocks serenely in a chair and says “This chair is THE GREATEST.”
Panel 2: From the hips down, Joyce rocks in the chair and says “It’s got a sturdy base, so it’s super hard to tip over.”
Panel 3: From the shoulders back, Joyce rocks in the chair and says “The cushions are thick and comfortable.”
Panel 4: From behind, Joyce rocks in the chair and says “The arm rests are the perfect height.”
Panel 5: From the shoulders up, Joyce rocks in the chair.
Panel 6: Full view of Joyce rocking in the chair while cuddling Ursula. Joyce says “I guess I also like how it makes the baby stop screaming and go to sleep.”
Title: Bubblegum
Panel 1: Joyce walks past the washing machine and sniffs.
Inset panel: Joyce looks perplexed and sniffs over her shoulder.
Insert panel: Joyce sniffs deeply.
Panel 2: Joyce enters a room and says “Hey why does the hall smell like candy??” Holding Ursula, Kevin says “Dude it’s that Dreft*”
*Laundry soap “for babies.”
Panel 3: Narrative box reads “Later.” Kevin stands in front of a laundry basket, smells a baby shirt, and says “I don’t see how this could possibly be better for anyone’s skin than our normal free-and-clear soap.” Joyce examines the Dreft bottle and says “It says it has…enzymes.”
Panel 4: Narrative box reads “Even later.” Joyce removes a crying Ursula from her bassinet. Off-panel, Kevin asks “Does she smell dirty?”
Panel 5: Joyce holds Ursula up to sniff her diaper and says “I don’t know. Honestly her ass just smells like bubblegum.”
Title: Dumbest Baby 2
Panel 1: A container of dog biscuits sits on a shelf. Off-panel, Loretta whines insistently. Off-panel, Joyce says “For the millionth time, NO.”
Panel 2: Loretta whines at the biscuits. Joyce unfolds a dish towel and says “Loretta, you need to FORGET about the cookies for awhile.”
