Time Travel Sux 2 by Peter Glanting - Transcript
Page 1
Panel 1: Capistrano Simmons wears a sportcoat and sits in a wing-backed armchair, with posters of Robocop and Akira behind him. “You can time travel by transferring your consciousness into someone’s body in the past”
Panel 2: Close up on Capistrano Simmons, whose glasses are reflective “And even though this is interesting, it’s still fucking stupid.”
Panel 3: Capistrano Simmons stands behind a medieval peasant as energy surrounds their heads, his consciousness transferring into the peasant’s body. “Odds are that you’ll be transferred into the body of an average Joe”.
Panel 4: A graph showing the relationship between how bad it sucks to be an average Joe the further back in time one goes “And it sucks progressively worse to be an average Joe the further back in time you go”
Panel 5: Capistrano Simmons, consciousness transferred into the body of a peasant, stands in a wooden vat of urine working as a medieval fuller. “I got transferred into the body of a medieval fuller and my fuck was it awful.”
Panel 6: Close up on Capistrano Simmons’s hairy legs standing in a vat of human urine as he stomps on a piece of raw wool. “You know what’s worse than stomping on raw wool in a vat of human pee? Doing it in a time without running water.”
Page 2
Panel 1: Capistrano Simmons’s boss, a bearded man with a simple hat, gets in his face and yells at him for doing his job wrong. “And I hadn’t a clue about how to do my job, so my boss yelled at me and it really hurt my feelings”.
Panel 2: Capisrano Simmons sits in his wing-backed armchair and addresses the reader directly, “‘Have you ever gotten lucky and been transferred into the body of someone cool’ you ask? Yes and no”.
Panel 3: Capistrano Simmons’s consciousness is now in the body of a viking chieftain who wears a fur cape and a simple crown. “Yes, I have been a king, and no it wasn’t cool, mainly because being king of a shit-heap is kinda whack.”
Panel 4: Capistrano Simmons stands straight and proud at the prow of a viking longboat, whose masthead is a dragon. “Strictly speaking I wasn’t a king so much as the chieftain in charge of a group of vikings”
Panel 5: A group of three viking warriors face the reader. One carries a short handled axe, another a sword and shield, and a third has a spear. All have beards and wear fierce expressions. “Even though these dudes revered me—they were animals BTW—there’s only so much you can do as a viking leader”
Panel 6: A pathetic-looking underling to the viking chieftain presents Capistrano Simmons with a fur garment of some sort. ”Oh I get more smokey, blood-soaked, shit-caked furs? What a treat!”
Panel 7: Capistrano Simmons’s glasses shine reflectively as we see only the top half of his head. He is wearing a hat that says ‘Wine O’ Clock’ “Fact of the matter is that if you want to transfer your brain into something, better make it a hat.”